Don’t be dead. Please don’t be dead. Fuck. Jason Ramirez felt cold sweat ooze from his pores as he watched the man stop coughing and his eyes start glazing over. He frantically listened for breathing and felt for a pulse, his hands trembling. No wind in the sails and pulse weak, fading. Fuck. Jason had killed in Fallujah, but always intentionally and from a distance. This…this was entirely…fucked.
His partner Rich pressed the radio button down and stood there, mouth open. Godamnit! Rich! Rich’s eyes and mind began swimming back towards the surface of the grave present moment. Call it the fuck in! Rich’s lips began moving, but Jason couldn’t hear him. All he could hear was that pulse, which weakened by the second. The man’s eyes posed a thousand questions before they had rolled backwards, questions now echoing on repeat through Jason’s head.
Why did you have to kill me? He didn’t.
Jason knew this stronger than he knew the ground he was kneeling on over this guy. But shit, he shouldn’t have… Why did he… Godamnit!!! Jason screamed. He couldn’t stop it. A crowd was forming. Rich was becoming more useful. Back up! Stay back! I won’t say it again! He put a palm in an over-zealous onlooker’s chest. Put that camera away! The wait for the ambulance was the longest of Jason’s life as the blue and red flashed on his pale face, minutes melted into months.
This is how Officer (technically Corporal) Ramirez earned his paid leave from the Cleveland Police Department. He beat a man to death. It was an accident, but he couldn’t see it that way. His supervisor had to take his service weapon away from him because he was nervous it might end up in his mouth in the next few days. Jason sat listlessly, waiting for the counselor to see him. He had chewed his nicotine gum until his jaw was sore.
I see my brains laid out on the carpet maroon stains the white
I know I’m blessed but right now I just can’t see the light
My eyes are twitchin’ my fam will be missin’ my white ass
If I make that God-forbidden decision and let hell come to pass
Under my eyelids man it hurts but relief comes quick
I gotta tell you I wasn’t even depressed just sick
And tired of this bullshit it just never quits
I ain’t got enough of what I want and I needed it yesterday
Don’t want to work for it, just want it to come easy, just wanna play
Rewind it back pull the bullet into the gun
I can’t end this life now, it ain’t done
Not just for my fam but for myself
I gotta do what I can to lift myself up why else?
No other reason I just love me when it comes down to it, no pain or frustration can hide that for long
My will to live and thrive is too strong.