Welcome. I’m here to introduce to you, today an idea that will change your business irrevocably. I’m talking about increased productivity, increased profits, increased company morale, increased fairy dust. Okay, so that last one is a joke, but I assure you, this mind-blowing concept is not. Are you ready? Are you sure? I can’t hear you! Everyone in business should be familiar with the power-lunch. It was a revolutionary idea developed in the mind of Donald Trump’s first employee that he fired. Of course he was canned because if he was going to keep having ideas like that and trying to take credit for them, needless to say that’s bad for business. I woulda done the same thing, Don. Now, the power-lunch was ingenious because it drilled into the minds of those pesky employees– who I suppose do all the work to make us fat-cats rich, but anyway screw ’em–that they needed to be not just thinking about work while scrambling to eat something to have the energy to continue that work, but to actually work through their lunches as well. I don’t just mean answering or sending off an email or two. I mean that the lunch hour (Jeez, are they really getting an hour!? That’s too much…) should be the most productive hour of the day. Of course this idea was wonderful, but it lacked in one crucial area–it didn’t go far enough. In America we have to beat the best to be the best, we cannot settle for half-measures, we must always strive to take things up to the next level, like Tetris. Close your eyes for a minute, take a deep, controlled breath. . . . . .Introducing the Power-Dump! That’s right, if you’re anything like me, it sickens you to think of the valuable company time those slackers you employ waste by relieving themselves of their bodily waste. When one bears down to pass a bowel movement, it lowers their blood pressure. Employers must seize this moment so that employees don’t become too relaxed that it hurts their productivity. This is why my company has installed automatic hypodermic caffeine injectors in the restrooms. My company has also put laptops on adjustable arms in each toilet stall, and the door of the stalls lock from the inside until they complete a legitimate work task. Or, if they take too long to do so, a trap door opens to a garbage chute leading to a dumpster full of “You’re Terminated” form letters. Imagine what we can accomplish using this valuable time. If you take just one thing away from this presentation remember these words, dump-time is crunch-time!
O’ The “Star Spangled Banner” is the national anthem of the greatest country on Earth
By the Country named after some Italian
What so Composed of states bound together by immortal brotherhood
At the End they don’t tell you
And the Stars are really asterisks
Land of the Free*
The bombs Rained on innocence
Gave proof That freedom must be paid for
O’ say What
Over the Hypocrisy, the inhumanity, the ravenous heap of lies
And the Damned fooling themselves into freedom from their consciences
Play ball and be distracted by balogna and enjoy the artificial flavoring
So you’re all here hoping to be entertained, maybe hoping to chuckle even. Hoping that just for one second you can choke down the pain and wipe the tears away and keep from sucking on your thumbs just long enough to relax and laugh at the silliness of something.
Well too bad, this is going to be yet another disappointing, misleading, time and money eating venture, so strangle any fledgling hopes you had for this posting.
Money. That’s right, you paid to read ridiculous babble like this in one way or another.
Maybe you even used one of those new 20’s. Believe it or not, the new ones are worth more than the old 20’s. Really, they’ve got 10% more cocaine residue than they used to. Look at it, Jackson’s got a nose bleed. It’s sad really, even our founders are getting retroactively hooked on the go-go powder.
But that’s not the answer, maaaaan. You’ve got to embrace life. Well, first you have to catch it, then you have to embrace it. Not a loving embrace, you have to squeeze it until it’s uncomfortable and starts to push you off, and thinks to itself, ‘Oi. I remembered hugging was bad, but not that bad. Forget it, I’m telling the next person I have leprosy or something.’
Regardless, I digress, allow me to progress ‘lest I agress. Hear a lot of empty threats these days? Or is it just me? People have to believe people think they’re tough. Oh, me man? ME?!!! You don’t wanna. . . haha. You don’t even know. I’ll find your dog, I’ll give it a treat and pet it. I’ll tell your grandmother she’s the nicest person I’ve met all week. I’ll bake you. . .cookies! Whatever kind you like. I swear to God, man, don’t even think for a millisecond that I won’t.
It’s all so impressive. This brave, new American culture. It’s torn from the pages of a sadistic Dr. Seuss wannabe’s story. Speaking of sadistic, rape . . . Yeah, apparently it’s still happening. People wonder why; they want to argue about who is to blame. It’s got to be someone. The mentally ill, the schools’ lack of armed teachers, the sundresses, the beer, the person who rapes the other person, or the person who gets raped. Which one is it? It’s a maddening conundrum. Definitely not the society that accepts girls to go out half naked, get drunk in public and private, glamorizes having one-night-stands each day of the week, and doesn’t penalize attackers in many cases.
One can only imagine that feeling if you haven’t experienced it. The feeling of being blamed. Think of Great Men such as Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, Kobe Bryant, Ben Rothelisberger, Charlie Sheen, Rod Blagojevitch, OJ Simpson, Bernie Madoff, and the latest edition, Lance Armstrong. We truly do crucify our heroes. Wait, did I say Great Men? I meant Depraved Devils. I’m sorry. Why do we idolize some of these men, think their transgressions comical, and not others?
Because life in this country is one big prophylactic commercial. But like LeVar Burton would say, “Of course, you don’t have to take my word for it, go and read it for yourself.”
Yes, good old Geordi has a bead on it. He traveled the universe. He must have traveled by Uranus, which reminds me of a favorite saying of mine about the planet, “Uranus: making people choose between saying ‘urine’ or referring to someone’s anus since 1781.”