Spring Stand-Up

So you’re all here hoping to be entertained, maybe hoping to chuckle even. Hoping that just for one second you can choke down the pain and wipe the tears away and keep from sucking on your thumbs just long enough to relax and laugh at the silliness of something.

Well too bad, this is going to be yet another disappointing, misleading, time and money eating venture, so strangle any fledgling hopes you had for this posting.

Money. That’s right, you paid to read ridiculous babble like this in one way or another.

Dr. Seuss Wooden Nickel

Dr. Seuss Wooden Nickel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Maybe you even used one of those new 20’s. Believe it or not, the new ones are worth more than the old 20’s. Really, they’ve got 10% more cocaine residue than they used to. Look at it, Jackson’s got a nose bleed. It’s sad really, even our founders are getting retroactively hooked on the go-go powder.

But that’s not the answer, maaaaan. You’ve got to embrace life. Well, first you have to catch it, then you have to embrace it. Not a loving embrace, you have to squeeze it until it’s uncomfortable and starts to push you off, and thinks to itself, ‘Oi. I remembered hugging was bad, but not that bad. Forget it, I’m telling the next person I have leprosy or something.’

Regardless, I digress, allow me to progress ‘lest I agress. Hear a lot of empty threats these days? Or is it just me? People have to believe people think they’re tough. Oh, me man? ME?!!! You don’t wanna. . . haha. You don’t even know. I’ll find your dog, I’ll give it a treat and pet it. I’ll tell your grandmother she’s the nicest person I’ve met all week. I’ll bake you. . .cookies! Whatever kind you like. I swear to God, man, don’t even think for a millisecond that I won’t.

It’s all so impressive. This brave, new American culture. It’s torn from the pages of a sadistic Dr. Seuss wannabe’s story. Speaking of sadistic, rape . . . Yeah, apparently it’s still happening. People wonder why; they want to argue about who is to blame. It’s got to be someone. The mentally ill, the schools’ lack of armed teachers, the sundresses, the beer, the person who rapes the other person, or the person who gets raped. Which one is it? It’s a maddening conundrum. Definitely not the society that accepts girls to go out half naked, get drunk in public and private, glamorizes having one-night-stands each day of the week, and doesn’t penalize attackers in many cases.

One can only imagine that feeling if you haven’t experienced it. The feeling of being blamed. Think of Great Men such as Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, Kobe Bryant, Ben Rothelisberger, Charlie Sheen, Rod Blagojevitch, OJ Simpson, Bernie Madoff, and the latest edition, Lance Armstrong. We truly do crucify our heroes. Wait, did I say Great Men? I meant Depraved Devils. I’m sorry. Why do we idolize some of these men, think their transgressions comical, and not others?

Because life in this country is one big prophylactic commercial. But like LeVar Burton would say, “Of course, you don’t have to take my word for it, go and read it for yourself.”

Yes, good old Geordi has a bead on it. He traveled the universe. He must have traveled by Uranus, which reminds me of a favorite saying of mine about the planet, “Uranus: making people choose between saying ‘urine’ or referring to someone’s anus since 1781.”

The 411

3 types of tabasco sauce

3 types of tabasco sauce (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Openning Stand-Up Bit

So whether you believe in Heaven or not, you have to admit that it would be pretty cool. You can only imagine the small talk up there. “Hi, Roy, my name’s Harry, nice to meet ya.”

“You too.”

“So how’d you die?”

Hell would be different, obviously. More like, “What are ya in for?” Well eternity, obviously.

And of course Purgatory. You can only hope that it’s more like a doctor’s office than the DMV. What if you didn’t bring anything to read? I’m telling you, I’m putting in my will to bury me with a couple thriller novels.

Shot of Sheldon’s apartment as if from car on street. Sheldon’s room. A shot of Sheldon and Niko sitting side-by-side. A close-up of Sheldon’s face. He is intent and then suddenly bewildered.

SHELDON: Aysh! I shot you first. . . Shairmootah.

Close-up of Niko’s face. He is dreamy-eyed, his head sways back and forth. Vida clambers in, sighs, and tosses her purse on the bed.

NIKO: Hey, hon! You look tired. How was work?

VIDA: It was great. And thanks for saying I look tired.

Sheldon raises eyebrows at Niko who shrugs pathetically.

NIKO: Oh, sweety, I didn’t mean… Go lay down and I’ll massage your feet.

SHELDON: (smugly to himself) This is why I do not have a girlfriend.

VIDA: Oh. . . ok. (She lies down.) What did you do today, Ni-cutie?

 (removes her shoes.) Well, let’s see what did I do. . ?

VIDA: What were you watching on the laptop?

Camera sweeps from Sheldon gunning down an enemy on Counter Strike on his laptop to Shakira’s She Wolf video on Niko’s screen.

NIKO: (massaging her feet thoroughly) Now I remember, I got some lunch around the corner, I ran around the neighborhood, pretty boring suburbia really. . .

VIDA: (coolly) I think Shakira would feel disappointed if you left her out.

NIKO: Yeah, I was listening to some music and checking my e-mail just now.

VIDA: So you just happened to pick a song with a visually appealing video?

SHELDON: Are you kidding? Ana bawoola he watched it five times, twice with no sound.

NIKO: (laughs nervously) Come on. . .  the choreography.

VIDA: Ow! Why so hard on my ankles? I told you. . !

NIKO: (drops his head, swallows hard) I’m sorry. I just missed you.

SHELDON: And Shakira too, huh?

NIKO: Oh stop it and go get killed by that guy again.

VIDA: I knew it, Niko. I suppose you were going to tell me too.

NIKO: Well, of course. . . if you asked.

VIDA: I did.

NIKO: He didn’t give me a chance. Which is weird, usually he takes my side. What the heck was that about Shell?

SHELDON: Last night and this morning?

NIKO: Oh shoot. The dishes.

SHELDON: Yeah buddy.

VIDA: Why didn’t you do ’em?

NIKO: I’m sorry. I should have. . .

VIDA: He’s our friend not our mom, Niko.

NIKO: Look, Sheldon, it won’t happen again, I promise. And Vida, I don’t see you covered in dishwater every night either.

VIDA: I don’t make dishes.

NIKO: No, you don’t, do you? You just eat off my plate. He forces a sarcastic smile.

SHELDON: When are you guys moving again?

VIDA: Today. As long as we get the truck.

Sheldon looks anxious.

NIKO: I took care of it. The Move-It truck is ours at 12:30.

SHELDON: Hamdullah.

Black out. Front view of Niko and Vida in the car, Niko is driving.

VIDA: 1642, 1648, I don’t see it.

NIKO: Babe, I told you, it’s an odd number, it’s on the other side. But I don’t see it either.

VIDA: We’re supposed to be there in three minutes.

NIKO: I know. It’s okay. I’ll just free 411 it.

VIDA: No. I hate that thing.

NIKO: I’m the one listening to the ads, not you.

VIDA: If you would just pay ten more dollars, I would have the data plan. That thing is stupid and it takes forever.

NIKO: Ssshh! Move-It Truck Rental.

Phone speaker, a computerized woman’s voice:Are you searching by the name or type of business?

Niko slaps himself with his phone and whines.

VIDA: Wait, there it is!

The car squeals to a stop. Niko presses the hazard lights button. He looks back and reverses. An overhead shot of the car and street reveal that he just missed the entrance, and is attempting to back up 10 meters to pull into it. A shot from the rear window shows an SUV approaching from a distance. Niko continues edging backwards, the SUV closing in, undaunted or unaware.

VIDA: Ishu, Musa, Mohammed, what is she doing?

NIKO: I have no idea. Can’t they see my emergency lights?

VIDA: She’s stopping.

NIKO: Wave her around, will you please?

Vida does so.

NIKO: Dear lord, what is she waiting for?

VIDA: I swear man, women should not drive.

NIKO: I don’t know if I’d go that far, but this lady. . .

After a few seconds she slowly puts on her blinker and passes on the left. She gives a distraught look as she passes by.

NIKO: I’m driving here. (he completes his manuever and parks in the lot) You know, anyone can just cruise along on the highway and stop at the red lights. That–that was driving.

VIDA: Niko?

NIKO: Unbuckles his seatbelt. What?

VIDA: This isn’t the right lot.

NIKO: Looks up defiantly. But I. . . (his expression turns to dismay) Oh.

Black out. The wide Move-It sign is shown. Nico and Vida pull out of the lot in a 16 foot moving truck.

VIDA: I want that cat.

NIKO: I know ya do hon.

VIDA: So we need to get a bed and a litter box and food and toys.

NIKO: Do we have to get one right now? Don’t get me wrong, I like Flower too.

VIDA: Yes, we do.

NIKO: Ok. It’s just that it’s a responsibility. It isn’t cheap either.

VIDA: She is a responsibility.

NIKO: Okay, tell you what. She’s your responsibility then. As soon as you forget to clean her litter box or give her fresh water, I’m taking her back to the Humane Society.

VIDA: (scoffs.) Fine.

To be continued.

The Monday

English: This is actually Tom's Restaurant, NY...

THE MONDAY

Street view shot of Monk’s Cafe mid-morning traffic. George sits opposite Kramer in the normal booth, who is nearer to the door. There are menus, two water glasses, salt and pepper, coffee creamer and sugar, and a napkin dispenser on the table.

KRAMER: What are you gonna eat?

GEORGE: I’m still deciding.

KRAMER: Well what are you looking at?

GEORGE: I’m narrowing it down.

KRAMER: Oh. . . Hey George?

GEORGE: What!? Did I bother you when you were looking? Just give me a minute over here!

KRAMER: Oh. . . Yah. I guess that’s fair. It’s just that. . .

GEORGE: finally moves menu to look Kramer in the eye and motions ‘spit it out roll’ with hand.

KRAMER: Can you move to your left.

GEORGE: Excuse me?

KRAMER: Your left.

GEORGE: Impatiently. Why?

KRAMER: Your head it’s reflecting the light right into my eye.

GEORGE: Pulls a tin of wax from his pocket and polishes his head. Oh. . . Really?

KRAMER: Yup.

Jerry enters through cafe door.

JERRY: Georgie boy, K-man, what’s happening? He shoos Kramer over and takes his seat.

GEORGE: You’re in a good mood. I guess somebody has to be. Where were ya?

JERRY: I just woke up. Got tied up last night with Luna. Raises his eyebrows and sighs. I’ll tell you about it later.

KRAMER: Que Bueno! No?

GEORGE: What kind of a name is Luna?

JERRY: She’s from California.

GEORGE: nods. Alright. I know what I want.

JERRY: puts hand up, and appears to be blinded. Well whatever you get, make sure you get some more Crisco for that disco ball on top of your neck.

KRAMER: Chuckles.

GEORGE: Oh go ahead. What are we in third grade? Enough with the bald jokes.

KRAMER: You’ve been bald since third grade?

Elaine enters, looking disheveled.

George is thrilled to have an opportunity to divert attention from his cranium.

GEORGE: Elaine, you ok?

JERRY: What happened?

ELAINE: Sits down next to George. I thought I ordered a virgin bloody mary this morning, widens eyes and purses lips, then I had a dentist appointment and I now have this awful headache.

JERRY: With Whatley?

ELAINE: Yeah, I had to have a filling re-done. I had the laughing gas.

JERRY: Well I wouldn’t worry about it. Have some water. slides her a glass of water.

ELAINE: Thanks, Jer.

GEORGE: That was my water!

JERRY: Well, get another one.

GEORGE: You don’t understand I had exactly the right amount of lemon in it.

ELAINE: takes a sip. No, not quite. It’s a bit much for me.

KRAMER: Let me see. takes it from Elaine’s hand. HMM. No, she’s right. If you put a sweetener in there it’ll even it out.

GEORGE: You know now that everyone has touched it, tasted it, and criticized it, I’m really not thirsty anymore.

JERRY: Well that worked out. Kramer, did you end up putting money on the Super Bowl?

KRAMER: Yeah.

GEORGE: So, how’d you do?

KRAMER: Eh-Guh-guh-guh fwwwww. flicks hand.

ELAINE: Serves you right, gambling when you could be doing something useful with your money, something selfless, you might as well have donated it to charity.

KRAMER: But I won too.

GEORGE: What do you mean.

KRAMER: I lost the spread on the game, but I won the net punting average.

JERRY: You bet on the punting?

KRAMER: scoffs. Jerry, you can’t put all your eggs in one barrel.

JERRY: Well, I suppose if you’re going to bet on punting, you might as well put your eggs in a barrel.

ELAIN: My head feels like a barrel of eggs. . .

GEORGE: So are you up or down?

KRAMER: Up. I think. . . he calculates using his fingers. I also lost the number of field goals, but then I won on the number of back-up dancers in the halftime show.

END SCENE ONE

ALL CHARACTERS ARE PROPERTY OF SEINFELD, CBS, CASTLE ROCK ENTERTAINMENT, AND CREATORS LARRY DAVID AND JERRY SEINFELD. THIS IS SIMPLY AN IMITATION OF THEIR CREATION AND IS ONLY FOR FUN. IMITATION IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF PRAISE. IT IS NOT FOR ANY FORM OF PROFIT. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO PROVIDE FEEDBACK.

Hung October 2nd 10pm

American actor Thomas Jane. Taken at the 2007 ...

Image via Wikipedia

Yes it’s back. Back again. Hung is back. Tell a friend. Season three is finally upon us, after thirteen months without Ray, Tanya, Lenore, and the rest of our friends. A new antagonist will be introduced to challenge our anti-hero, Ray. Young Jason is shouldering in to Ray’s line of clients. Ray has got a family to take care of, a house to rebuild, and it appears he has much more to lose, plus he’s got experience. Do some women prefer younger guys and others older? Or do they just choose whoever makes them feel better? I guess we’ll find out. Much love to Executive Producers Colette Burson, Dmitry Lipkin, Alexander Payne, Michael Rosenberg, Scott Stephens, Co-executive Producer Angela Robinson, Supervising Producer Eileen Myers, Writers Colette Burson, Dmitry Lipkin, Julia Brownell , Gary Sunshine, Kyle Peck, and Story Editors Brett C. Leonard, Eduardo Machado, Wendy Riss.

Sir Squints-a-lot, Chuckles, Tarzan, Sacky, Titties, and Iceman.

Larry David at the 2009 Tribeca Film Festival.

Image via Wikipedia

Yes, All of the above are nicknames of yours truly. Now to business, Curb Your Enthusiasm, the hilarious situation comedy created by Larry David, is set in the big apple this season. I don’t have HBO so I haven’t been able to watch it 😦 My hope, however, is that they found some fun ways to use the new local to get the cat (Larry) stuck in all kinds of new trees. I can certainly think of a few. It is too bad that the real Mr. Steinbrenner is not around anymore to do a cameo, may he rest in peace. I am aware, however, that we were lucky enough for the sumptuous Rebecca Creskoff to grace the show, apparently as a fling of Larry’s. I’m a bit jealous that I don’t get to work with her, I wouldn’t mind pressing lips if the scene called for it. There are many other great shows on right now, How I Met Your Mother, Hung, The Daily Show, South Park, Saturday Night Live, and so on. If anyone wants to discuss any of their favorites, please comment here! Hasta la proxima vez.