Epic Rap Battles of Literature: Uncle Tom vs Lil’ Eva

TOM: Well child it looks to me like your time has done come/

but ‘fore the good Lord calls you up Imma tell you somm’/

we ain’t gonna miss you it was all for show/

matter fact we was all glad to see you go/

you just a proud kid but you think you’re an angel/

you think you see me in heaven, you deranged yo/

Jesus this and Mary that/

St. Peter snatch up the welcome mat/ when he see you smilin’ his face be flat/

handin’ out your nasty hair what? why don’t you quit/

you couldn’t breath the air ’cause you smelled your own bullshit/

talkin’ love joy peace oh gimme a break/

you were still wet behind the ears your words were empty as space/

having faith is easy when you profit off the labor and suffering of another race


EVA: Tom I thought we was friends but that was so cold/

I guess you get bitter when you always bein’ sold/

but Haley ain’t the only one flippin’ flesh you did some sellin’ too–ya sell out/

couldn’t save the woman on the boat ya just stuttered maybe she fell out/

you gotta get up stand up for you and yours or get the hell out/

picture me rollin’ up in heaven came up so fast I almost got the bends/

you the lamest excuse for a hero don’t try to pretend/

I could end this battle right now if I said I heard ya master callin’/

you hustlin’ sweatin’ pushin’ a plow, I’m singing with the herald angels, eternally ballin’/

you plainer than the narrator of this book/

moaning like Nixon you ain’t a crook/

but you sittin’ in a cell/ you got nothin’ like a hermit crab without a shell/

I’m an abolitionist and you right I dunno what it’s like/

but I do know you just got served by a little bald tyke


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