You’ve Heard of the Power-Lunch But. . .


Welcome. I’m here to introduce to you, today an idea that will change your business irrevocably. I’m talking about increased productivity, increased profits, increased company morale, increased fairy dust. Okay, so that last one is a joke, but I assure you, this mind-blowing concept is not. Are you ready? Are you sure? I can’t hear you! Everyone in business should be familiar with the power-lunch. It was a revolutionary idea developed in the mind of Donald Trump’s first employee that he fired. Of course he was canned because if he was going to keep having ideas like that and trying to take credit for them, needless to say that’s bad for business. I woulda done the same thing, Don. Now, the power-lunch was ingenious because it drilled into the minds of those pesky employees– who I suppose do all the work to make us fat-cats rich, but anyway screw ’em–that they needed to be not just thinking about work while scrambling to eat something to have the energy to continue that work, but to actually work through their lunches as well. I don’t just mean answering or sending off an email or two. I mean that the lunch hour (Jeez, are they really getting an hour!? That’s too much…) should be the most productive hour of the day. Of course this idea was wonderful, but it lacked in one crucial area–it didn’t go far enough. In America we have to beat the best to be the best, we cannot settle for half-measures, we must always strive to take things up to the next level, like Tetris. Close your eyes for a minute, take a deep, controlled breath. . . . . .Introducing the Power-Dump! That’s right, if you’re anything like me, it sickens you to think of the valuable company time those slackers you employ waste by relieving themselves of their bodily waste. When one bears down to pass a bowel movement, it lowers their blood pressure. Employers must seize this moment so that employees don’t become too relaxed that it hurts their productivity. This is why my company has installed automatic hypodermic caffeine injectors in the restrooms.  My company has also put laptops on adjustable arms in each toilet stall, and the door of the stalls lock from the inside until they complete a legitimate work task. Or, if they take too long to do so, a trap door opens to a garbage chute leading to a dumpster full of “You’re Terminated” form letters. Imagine what we can accomplish using this valuable time. If you take just one thing away from this presentation remember these words, dump-time is crunch-time!

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